Explaining Digital Marketing to a Wizard Friend



As I updated my Facebook status to something which meant nothing more than 'needs attention', like everybody else's, my new wizard friend, Zephyrous, peeked over my shoulder and stared at my laptop screen, full of colorful images, in wonder.

"What is this?" The young wizard asked, scratching his long and dark beard, stereotypically.
"Social media." I murmured.
"What is its purpose?" He persisted.
"Over the last few years, men have ceased to interact with their neighbours next door as we don't have time for that. So now we  compensate for that by spending hours together on these kind of website to bitch about how our lives lack adventure and blame it on governmental policies."
"Why do you do that?" He asked.
"Because I get paid for it." I replied, cheekily. "Digital Marketing is my job."
"And what does that entail?" He continued to ask questions, curious as ever.
"I track people down using social media labs which employ private algorithms and study their likes and dislikes through what they talk about generally and the periods during which there is a maximum frequency of online audience. Then, I invite them to like my page by sharing something which attracts their attention. And once they subscribe, my feeds enter their social media. This makes them realize how much they miss the products and services they never  ever had in their lives to begin with and I try to get them to buy my products by doing all of this. I also employ other social media strategies for the same."

I was confident that my Greek and Latin would have made him stop further inquiries. But, no!

"Does that work?" He asked.
"No. Because I'm not some pretty girl who's going out shopping and taking selfies with her friends while trying on expensive branded clothing."
"So, social media works only for women?"
"Guys do desperately log in to the social media in an attempt to get laid at the end of the day, but not all of them are cocky enough to succeed."
"What does it take for men to get noticed on your social media?"
I blinked for a second and then responded. "Picture this if you will. If a girl posts a picture with a duck face, she'd get hundreds of likes and almost a hundred comments by the end of the day. And if a guy posts something even as serious as 'I plan to kill myself at the end of the day because life isn't worth  it', he'd get a few likes , a comment or two along the lines of 'best of luck' and maybe a troll."

"So," The wizard took his turn to blink. "they send trolls to kill a man who decides to end his life anyway? Is social media for imbeciles?"
"Hush!" I interjected. "These imbeciles will be paying me some day to buy some of my products. Don't judge them yet."